Make no mistake about it. You know a Diva when you see one. She has complete control of the situation she’s in. And heaven help those that think otherwise. She’s ready for whatever environment she may find herself in – a gleaming, glorious Piazza or a dark, cobblestoned strada. She knows where she’s going, where she’s been and she never looks back.
In Rome, she’s called a Taxi.
The Roman Taxi Drivers are a unique human species all to their own. There's something in their DNA structure, which their parents know so training begins at an early age. They are an unearthly lot, performing legendary, daily miracles. And I use the word miracle, because it’s a miracle we’re all alive after riding with them… I kid, I kid… Well, sort of…
Rule Number One: Never get into a Taxi with a full stomach. And I mean N E V E R. Why do you think the Romans are so fond of their passeggiatta (walk after dinner)? I’m telling you, it ain’t because they’re active.
Rule Number Two: Go to a Taxi stand, found in the main Piazza’s, to catch a Taxi. If you hail a Taxi from any old location you may find yourself, chances are, the Diva Driver won’t stop. Divas rarely go out of their way for anyone! However, if they do, it is perfectly legal for them to charge you from their “home base” location.
For example, you just dropped a bunch of Euro in the shops on Via Condotti. There’s a Taxi stand at either end of Via Condotti; Piazza di Spagna and Via Tomacelli. But your bags are really heavy and cumbersome. So you ‘go New Yorker’ and hail the first empty Taxi. Let’s say that Taxi just dropped a bunch of tourists in Piazza di Spagna, however, originated from Piazza Mastai in Trastevere. You end up having to pay what the tourists just paid (Mastai to Spagna), on top of whatever the price of your route may be. Divas love a chump to pay their way (but dislike a possible ugly confrontation, so usually, won’t stop in the first place.)
Golden Rule Number Three: Ensure each passenger is securely fastened into a seatbelt (cintura di sicurezza – just say “cheentoora” – they will understand) BEFORE you provide your address of destination. If a cintura isn’t working properly (this would be rare), find YOUR inner Diva and say, “rotta cintura” and move to the next available Taxi.
Rule Number Four: Know your address. If you aren’t comfortable saying it, because you don’t want to embarrass yourself by butchering the beautiful Italian language (and we know you will [we all do!] –and- the Diva Drivers will say, “No capito!” [just as forcefully as the Soup Nazi] at your expense), then write it down and hand it to the Driver.
Rule Number Five: Divas don’t observe lanes. If you are used to riding in the safety of a lane, you better change your definition of safety. And blinkers? Never used. I always hope my Taxi will float between lanes like Maria Callas through arias – those are my favorite. However, I usually end up with a slicer, which isn’t completely horrible. The worst are the darters, who make abrupt and completely unsettling lane changes. If you aren’t securely belted in, expect to go flying, in more than one direction (See Rule Number One). And heaven forbid a Diva to apologize!
Rule Number Six: There is no “correct” route to the address you provide. The Divas that rule the Roman roads will take the route THEY please, in the quickest manner possible (they want you out of their Taxi!) You know a more efficient route? Keep it to yourself – Diva’s don’t take direction - from anyone. You could go to the same address on a daily basis and never take the same route twice. Sit back (securely fastened into your seatbelt), try to relax and imagine it as a unique tour, created just for you. Every Diva has her signature song and the Taxi Drivers are no different when it comes to their routes.
Rule Number Seven: Be prepared for the ear shattering Diva, think: Mariah Carey. Typically, Romans do not honk their horns. It’s considered bad form. In fact, the majority of Italian’s don’t honk their horns. Non Bella Figura! Brutto! Unless you happen to be a Diva Driver. Then it is your duty to perform with your horn whenever you have an audience, which is often. They show off their octaves without hesitation.
Rule Number Eight: Tell your young children, who are securely fastened into their seatbelts, that your Diva Driver is very friendly, but partially deaf, so has cleverly created special hand signals to wave “Buongiorno!” or “Ciao!” to other drivers on the roads. We all know those hand signals have far sinister meanings, but the kiddies don’t have to know! And if you catch your munchkins repeating a word or two they learned from your colorful Diva Driver to other Italians, just shrug your shoulders and say, “Tassista.” The Italians will immediately sigh, make a sympathetic hand gesture, and nod their heads in understanding.
Rule Number Nine: Expect your seat belts to work, but radio, radio volume, windows, air conditioning and heat are operated at the expertise and whim of your Diva Driver. Oh, and if you think you’ll receive courteous service because you are elderly, are wearing a cross and rosary, or have an obvious impairment – guess again.
Rule Number Ten: Tip your Diva Driver a Euro for each passenger when you reach your destination. If you want to tip more, because your ride was especially smooth, do, as a show of utter relief and blessed thanks. Buon Fortuna!
(Note: This photo was taken while in a traffic jam on the A1 into Rome. We did not witness someone pulling a pre-sober Britney Spears action, nor is she referenced as a Diva.)
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